#I just find it very cathartic okay

[varpusvaras]

There's someone with Fox.

Rex squints his eyes. There's a small, dark-haired woman standing next to Fox. She is looking up to him and saying something, and from the downwards tilt of Fox's head, even with his helmet on, Rex knows that Fox is saying something back.

She looks awfully familiar, but at the same time Rex knows that he has not met her before. It's a somewhat paradoxical feeling, but she's so familiar that he would know if he had ever seen her before this.

He watches them for a while, but mainly her. She is tiny, in both height and overall stature, and she is wearing comfortable, yet high-end clothes. Rex has spent enough time with Padmé by now to recognise when something has been made with enough care and money. Her hair is braided, rather intricately, into two crossing bands at the back of her head. She looks a lot like all the women in the Alderaanian delegation, with the hair and the clothes, he decides.

Perhaps she is. Rex knows that Fox is rather close with Senator Organa these days, as the Senator has been a good ally to the Guard. It makes the most sense. Perhaps she is a relative of someone in the delegation, and Rex has seen those said relatives before.

The thought feels wrong, for some reason, but it's the best he can come up with for now, especially since they seem very comfortable with each other. Fox doesn't let himself be comfortable like that with many people.

Anakin comes to stand next to him.

"What is it?" He asks Rex.

"Nothing, was just watching them", Rex says, and nods his head towards Fox and the woman. "My brother's there, and she looks familiar, so I was trying to see if I recognised her."

Anakin looks over to Fox and the woman as well, and that is the moment Rex sees her going awfully still. Then she's whipping her head around, and locking her dark eyes with Rex and Anakin.

She looks-

Rex blinks. She looks at Rex, for a split second, and then looks at Anakin, and even from this far, Rex sees how her eyes turn hard and cold. She steps closer to Fox, partially in front of him, like she is attempting to shield him from them, even when she's almost two heads shorter than Fox, and not the one wearing full-body armor.

She takes Fox's hand into hers, and says something. Rex sees how Fox looks up at him and Anakin as well, and instead of coming to greet Rex, he lets her turn him around and walks away.

He looks up at Anakin, who has a deep scowl on his face.

"Sir?" Rex calls. Anakin blinks, too, and the scowl clears slightly.

"She looks familiar", he mumbles. "And she felt like...I don't know."

His comlink beeps, and he turns to speak to it. Rex turns to look back at Fox and the woman.

There's something hanging at her waist. Rex can see a glimpse of it when the long hem of her shirt shifts a bit as she walks.

It looks a lot like-

They go down some steps, and Rex cannot see them anymore. He glances back at Anakin, and at his lightsaber, for once securely on him.

He had seen correct. Rex is sure of it.

He is also very sure that the woman is not a Jedi.

[sundryfish]

yo i know that you never check this account anymore but on the off chance that you read this, your techdif passing through edit was one of the most moving things i've ever seen on this website. it warmed my heart so much like wowwww these four plonkers have been making stuff on the internet for us to enjoy for so long and that's cause they've been friends for so long and wow :') anyway i hope you have a nice day

<3 thank u so much!! you too!

[shotmrmiller]

living in some dingy apartment building because it is all you can afford on your income unless you want to eat danimals yogurt and saltine crackers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. the stern landlady lives on the first floor, and some neighbors blast music on weekday nights (even if they didn't, the walls are paper-thin. you know more about the cambrian period than you'd like to, thanks to room 105) but it's a modest roof over your head and while the darkened grout lines in the bathroom are permanent, at least there's hot water.

until there isn't. and the landlady has mysteriously gone on vacation for the next two months.

what used to be a cathartic cleansing has now become your torment. every other day is hair wash day which means you're bent over the cold, porcelain edge of your tub, back screaming in protest and pain shooting up your bruised knees even though you've sacrificed one of your very nice pillows to avoid exactly that.

and showering is torture. the icy cold water feels like a thousand tiny claws scraping over your tender scalp, sinking into your trembling shoulders. you don't wait for your body to acclimate, just hastily scrub yourself as clean as you can and hop out, your chattering teeth and shaky breaths echoing through the tiny bathroom.

it's like this for a week and a half, a whole 10 days of suffering with showers so cold it feels like shards of ice biting into your goosepimpled skin when it stops. warmth bleeds into the stream of frostbitten water. finally, it soothes instead of stings. your coiled, tense muscles gradually slacken with relief, with unadulterated bliss. steam rises, the tips of your fingers and toes tingle as if thawing. gratitude wells in the corner of your eyes.

if you had any money you could afford to give, you would to your savior, but every dollar you own is earmarked for the bare essentials. so, with your thick, warm bathrobe cinched around your waist, you pen down a little heartfelt note to stick to the bulletin board downstairs before heading out for work.

thank you, whoever you are, for fixing the boiler. i could kiss you <3

when morning comes, you use one of the dull, golden tacks that previously held a lost pet flyer (sorry, bilbo the hamster, but it's been a year) and pin your note up.

only to come home and find it gone, a torn corner all that remains. maybe it's karma for your callousness towards someone's pet. (justice for bilbo.) you shrug it off, giddily skipping up the steps to wash off the day's stress with hot water.

but before you even hang your keys on the wall, there's a pounding on your door, hard enough to rattle it in its frame. and the masked man you see through the peephole isn't familiar. against your better judgment, you clear your throat before cracking open the door. "yes?"

the piece of paper he's holding in his dinner plate-sized hands seems incredibly small— and it's your note.

"i fixed the water." oh. "'m 'ere for wha' 'm owed." owed?

"i'm not— um. the kiss. it's just a figure of speech." the thick muscle of his bicep coils as he crosses his arms over his barrel chest. he's a very large man, as broad as your door.

if you slammed it closed on him, he'd probably leave it hanging by its hinges. that's not worth a measly kiss.

"okay. but on the cheek since i never specified where so it's dealer's choice."

he huffs out an amused breath but complies, hooking his thumb under the edge to pull up his balaclava just enough to expose his stubbled cheek. he's got a couple of scars; thin, slightly raised. run along the sharp edge of his jaw and disappear beneath the fabric.

he leans close, enough to hear his steady, slow exhales. he smells of dirt. salt. something smoky, tangy-- like on new years, minutes after the clock strikes 12.

your hands cradle his face as you rise to your tippy-toes, wetting your lips and crane your neck-- but he snaps his head to the side,

and takes the kiss he was owed.

(he takes a screwdriver to the ac unit next. wire cutters to the fuse box. nails to your tires. anything that'll inevitably lead you back to him. you tried paying him with dinner but the only thing he was interested in eating was your cunt.)

[funhouse-mirror-barbie]

I may go into more detail about “Sinsmas” later, but I did want to talk about what I considered to be the one scene/sequence that I thought was very well done and that I truly enjoyed—Octavia’s song, “I Will Be Okay”.

(Song/Character Discussion below)

Octavia’s song is almost everything I could have asked for. A somber echo of Stolas’ song from season 1, Octavia’s I Will Be Okay, finally, finally, gives Octavia a voice and the chance to express her grief over her father’s abandonment.

For the first time in the series, there’s no one to tell Octavia that she should give her dad some slack or that she should forgive him. She’s finally allowed to be upset, to fully mourn her relationship with Stolas and to get mad about what happened. She’s finally allowed to start working towards accepting the ways Stolas’ neglected her, and begin healing from that pain and trauma.

Octavia’s experience is both terribly heart-wrenching and, in the most painful way, freeing. The lyrics reflect that perfectly, with Octavia acknowledging that while she’s not okay now because of everything Stolas put her through, she WILL be okay, and will grow into her own person without him.

The song is a direct response to Stolas’. Octavia is answering him, saying “Yes, I will be okay. Not because of anything that you were supposed to or failed to provide me as a father, but because I will forge my own path, and in doing so will heal from the pain you caused me.”

It’s a bittersweet song about finding the strength to cut contact with someone you loved who has repeatedly failed you in the worst ways, and who isn’t going to change.

I do have one “criticism” for this song and sequence, not because anything from it was poorly done, but because, in my opinion, the song’s visuals could have been even better.

The following scene was in the original storyboards for “I Will Be Okay”, and was changed in the final episode:

I think the decision to change the visuals for these lyrics in the song was a mistake. Please don’t get me wrong, the animation in this entire episode was fantastic, my critiques of Helluva Boss are almost never about the animation.

But the above sequence just has so much more emotional weight to me. It’s the visualization of Octavia realizing she can’t rely on Stolas, that she has to look to herself for comfort.

Octavia taking her younger self from her neglectful father’s arms, symbolizing that she’s accepted that Stolas cannot be depended on and that she’ll have to take care of herself now, is such a powerful image.

It really is a shame to me that they cut this scene, because I think it fully encapsulates everything Octavia has been through in such a simple and effective way. I think the scene really loses something by cutting this visual.

With all of that said though, Octavia’s song, and the scene where she FINALLY calls Stolas out for his behavior were very cathartic for me. I know that the scene’s intent was most likely to make us empathize with Stolas for losing his daughter, but I found myself empathizing only with Octavia, and hoping that she gets the time she needs to heal.

I would love it if the show actually let her decide whether or not she wants Stolas back in her life, but given the way HB’s writers portray women, I worry that it’s likely some big event will happen that “reveals” Stella to be awful, and Octavia will forgive Stolas just like that, and will probably end up apologizing to him instead (like in “Seeing Stars”)

Anyway, just like Octavia being the only good thing in Stolas’ life, “I Will Be Okay” was, in my opinion, the only good thing in “Sinsmas”. (well that and Octavia calling Stolas out)

[thedubiousdallon]

Okay, fuck it, I've built up enough goodwill with this sideblog - let's risk it all by sharing my opinions on how Amy is handled in Ward.

It's kinda complicated I think.

Okay, now that I've resisted the urge to immediately hit post for the bit: I think the way her interludes are written substantially flattens her character in a way that I find distasteful and unpleasant, but I find the overall shape of her arc and her role in the narrative compelling. The things I dislike have been well-covered by plenty of other people in the fandom, so I'm going to focus on the things I like.

To talk about Amy's role in Ward, I first need to talk about my interpretation of Ward as a whole. To me, Ward is, above all else, about trauma and recovery. Society is traumatized by the end of the world, the shards are traumatized by the death of Scion and their loss of purpose, individuals are traumatized by all the things individuals are traumatized by. As an aside, this reading is a big reason why I'm not too bothered by a lot of the world building choices that other people frequently (and fairly) criticize - I think many of them serve this theme effectively.

One specific facet of that reading that I find particularly compelling is Ward's interest in people who are traumatized not just by the harm done to them, but by the harm they've done. Characters don't just regret what they've done, they don't just want to be better, they are traumatized by it, and their reactions to that trauma are as messy and complicated as any other traumatized people. I don't always agree with the stances the text takes on how to deal with having done harm and been traumatized as a result, but I find the exploration of the topic compelling.

Enter The Altruistic Amy Dallon.

Amy's arc in Worm was, to a degree, a prototype of this kind of storytelling. She is repeatedly and horrifically traumatized, the actions she eventually takes in response to that experience inflict equally horrific trauma on her victim, and she is further traumatized by her own actions almost to the point of ego death. She removes herself from the environment she was in, begins rebuilding her sense of identity and ethics, and reemerges having grown, prepared to do better going forward and to make reparations for her past actions as best she can. Arc done! It's satisfying and cathartic, and we leave content in the knowledge that the part she's on will take her to better places. It's the quintessential appeal of a redemption arc, and it's a strong example of its type.

There's something people like to say a lot when talking about mental health and personal growth in real life, and that is that progress isn't linear. It's an important truth to understand.

It's rarely true in fiction. Very often, in redemption arcs, in personal growth arcs, after a series of false starts and setbacks, the character reaches a critical point where they resolve their conflict and either overcome it or succumb to it. From that point on, their nature or behavior is fundamentally changed - if they've grown they never relapse past a certain point, or do so only fleetingly, or else never improve past a certain point. This makes sense from a storytelling perspective, but it doesn't map to how growth often works in real life.

In Ward, Amy occupies the very rare narrative position of being who completes her arc of growth and redemption, who crosses that critical threshold of lasting, meaningful change... but backslides anyway, to the point of essentially losing all that progress.

It's an outcome that I find very believable for her, honestly. Her newfound worldview and conviction were forged in the very insular environment of the Birdcage - of course they would be impacted by her new environment. She says at the end of Ward that she had been able to excuse all of her worst behavior because she had convinced herself that she could fix anything - and at the end of Worm, I can see how she would come to think that! She's been pardoned and released from Forever Prison, she overcame her old aversion to brains to create Khepri and thereby saved the world, she's formed a positive relationship with the father she never thought she'd meet, she's receiving love and support from parents she never felt good enough for, she's using her powers to help people in a way that doesn't make her want to die, and she even "fixed" Victoria, when failing to do that before was the final nail in the coffin she just finished clawing her way out of! The sheer number of seemingly impossible things she's accomplished, of apparently irreversible failures she's seemingly put right, is mind boggling! It'd be the easiest thing in the world to let that go to your head!

Her social circle is also a perfect environment to enable her worst tendencies - there's no one left in it whose opinion she trusts that's willing to call her on her shit. Marquis doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior, Carol is trying to make up for a decade of neglect and unwarranted criticism, Mark just wants everybody to get along and be happy, and Riley and Rinke are pretty shaky on this whole human decency thing themselves! With a (not unjustified) pride in how far she'd come, a circle of willing enablers, a complete lack of moderating influences, and a bulletproof get-out-of-moral-culpability-free card, and two years to spiral, I find her backsliding to be completely believable. And given that Victoria is the fly in the ointment to all of this, that her continued refusal to have anything to do with Amy gives lie to Amy's belief that she can fix anything, and thereby puts the entire edifice of her self-rationalizations at risk, it also makes perfect sense to me that Amy would become fixated on her, on proving that she really can fix anything.

Of course, being believable isn't the same thing as being compelling. The thing that makes all this so resonant for me is that, at the end of Ward, after being this grasping spectre that haunts Victoria the whole book, after rejecting countless opportunities to demonstrate a hint of self-awareness or the slimmest motivation to change - Amy does. She sits down with a therapist. She rips off the band-aid - both the metaphorical one and the literal one made out of Victoria's skin, jesus christ Amy - looks at what she's done, at how she went awry, and resolves to do better. And we end with her in essentially the same place she was at the end of Worm: prepared to do better going forward and to make reparations as best she can. But the journey she has taken to get there gives the destination entirely new meaning for me. She's already fumbled her chance at redemption! But her journey gives lie to the idea that you only have one chance, or two, or any finite number! Every moment you draw breath is a chance to do better.

To me, Amy Dallon's arc in Ward shows that the most important step you can take is the next one, and no matter how many times you walk up and down that road, it never stops being true. And I find that compelling as hell.

[lastoneout]

Honestly, I don't say it often bcs I know how this site is but I really do think for a lot of survivors of abuse, especially abuse that went on for years and years, sometimes the message "it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong/to deserve this" while ABSOLUTELY TRUE* isn't actually super helpful. For a lot of us there's a LOT of guilt tied into it, and even if things were truly out of our hands we will not be able to accept that we are truly blameless, at least not at first, and maybe for some of us not ever. So being told "no dw you didn't do anything wrong <3 <3 you're innocent" feels...idk like some toxic positivity style lies. It doesn't make me feel better, because I still do feel like there were things that happened that were my fault, that were in my control, even an ethicist or god or whoever could look me dead in the eyes, weigh all the facts, and assure me of my complete innocence, and I still wouldn't believe it. (Tbh, you have to be ready to forgive yourself and trying to force it early does more harm than good.)

And I occasionally see movies and shows and stuff get roasted all to hell for having the audacity to go with a different message, to offer abused characters not a platitude about how they are innocent and should forgive themselves asap, but instead say "so what if it was your fault? so what if you fucked up? you're still alive, you still have time, your mistakes(or perceived mistakes) don't make you irredeemable scum who deserves to suffer, it's okay that you fucked up, what matters is what you do next, and even if the horrible thing was your fault in one way or another or you did actually hurt people, you still did NOT deserve to be hurt in turn" because people think that is like, admitting that the person in question is at fault when they almost always aren't....but as an actual survior, I'm sorry, you can tell me I'm innocent till the cows come home and I won't believe it. What I need to hear is that even if it was my fault I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I still deserve help. I deserve to keep going. I am not forever stained by my mistakes. I deserve a future free from this pain.

I think before we look at things in this like...grand moral way where we try to make sure we're sending the most Correct and Healthy Message Possible, sometimes it's worth asking if that message is actually the one the people it's about need to hear. I'm sure for some people it is very freeing to be told it's not their fault, but that kind of message does not resonate with me. And I, as well as people like me, deserve to expirience stories about us that are cathartic, that resonate, that make us feel seen, and to not have to see everyone and their mom throw a fit because what helps us is "problematic".

Anyway this has been mulling around in my head for a while and I def have a lot more to say about the way guilt manifests in trauma born of abuse, but yeah I just feel like this is something that should be talked about when we bring up abuse narratives and how well written they are and if they send the Correct Message, because the "Correct Message" is never going to be the same for everyone. And that's true of ANY demographic you could choose to represent!

Like some disabled people might enjoy the "magically healed" trope while others find it offensive. Some trans people like stories where transitioning is easy as drinking a potion or getting a fancy futuristic surgery and some find that that trivializes their struggles. Some queer people want stories where there's just no homophobia at all, others find that a world without it feels fake and patronizing. Some women do want to read stories about how keeping hearth and home is noble and empowering and others want read about women who have other jobs and never have kids or get married. For some of us "you're beautiful no matter what" is lovely and some of us just want to be told being fat and hairy and having acne and scars and shit is normal and fine. Or, like the last post I reblogged says, sometimes "you're not a burden" doesn't hit as well as "being a burden isn't a bad thing". No one type of representation is ever going to work for everyone, and that doesn't mean one type of rep is objectively wrong and the other is objectively right.

So yeah, the next time you find yourself angry because you think a story is sending the wrong message about a marginalized or harmed group, maybe stop for a second to ask yourself if it's actually harmful...or if you're not the person who the story is speaking to, and if there's someone it is talking to who desperately needs to hear what it has to say.

(*Getting ahead of this now: Do not put words in my mouth. I am not saying that any abused person in any way deserved their abuse or was at fault for it happening, that is not up for debate. The fault is always in the hands of the person who chose to hurt them. I'm just saying it's nuanced and complicated and guilt is a huge fucking issue that survivors have to deal with all the time and it's not wrong to acknowledge that some of us are always going to feel like we did something wrong and not be eased by being told otherwise even if the person saying it is 100% correct and/or means well. I do not have time for people who are going to willfully misinterpret me. You will be blocked.)

[cozage]

Hi hello yes uh-huh

I saw your requests are open (I haven't been on Tumblr for three months 😭😭)

And I love the works!

May I request a law and Kidd x reader (separate) to react to seeing their s/o's (always covered) body since there's all scratches and scars all over and they feel self-conscious about?

( I have a still fading scar on my thigh when I fell in a hole and a metal bar dug itself on it. So I guess that's my take lol)

A/N: I have a scar that I’m a little self conscious of so this was very cathartic for me to write!!! (Also I know Kidd has a scar kink you cannot convince me otherwise)

Characters: gn reader x Law, Kidd

Cw: This is very borderline NSFW, So read at your own risk.

Total word count: 1.2k

Beauty Scars

Law

Law’s hand slipped under your shirt and gave it a tug. 

“Law, wait,” You pulled away from his lips, grabbing his hand to stop him from pulling it up further. 

“I want to see you,” he murmured, leaning into your lips again. 

You pulled away from his advances and he freezed. “Sorry,” he mumbled, his eyes averting away from you.

“It’s fine, really.” You could feel your face warming with embarrassment. 

“No, it’s not.” His hand ran through his hair, and you could see he was distressed at the thought of you being uncomfortable. “I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry.”

You grabbed his face and peppered it with kisses. Law tended to get a little carried away when the two of you were alone, but he always took your nonverbal cues and stopped whenever you were tense. 

“I’m fine,” you assured him. “I really am. I’m just a little self conscious of my body, that’s all.”

His eyes locked with yours. “You’re perfect, I assure you.”

You smiled slightly at his comment. He hadn’t seen the scars on your body yet, and a piece of you was afraid of what his reaction would be when he saw them. You knew he wouldn’t stop loving you, but it would hurt to see him grimace at your body. You hated it enough as it was, you didn’t need another reminder of its imperfections.

Still, you wanted to get it over with sooner than later. Your fingers gripped the bottom of your shirt, and you slowly pulled it up. You closed your eyes to avoid seeing his initial reaction, but you heard him gasp in surprise. You tossed your shirt aside and opened your eyes, finally risking a peek to see his reaction. 

His eyes examined you, taking in the view of your exposed body. After a few moments, he glanced up to meet your gaze. 

You suddenly found yourself feeling very uneasy, and your arms wrapped around your torso, trying to hide. 

“Fuck,” he whispered softly, eyes moving back down your body. “You are beautiful.”

Your cheek burned. You were not expecting that reaction from him. He grabbed your hands, gently prying them away from your midsection and intertwining his fingers with yours so he could have a full view of you again. He leaned into you, kissing your lips slow and soft, before moving down to your neck.

He covered your shoulders in kisses, and when his lips reached one of your scars, you gasped at the contact.

“Are you okay? Does it hurt?” He pulled back, his eyes scanning your face.

“I’m fine,” you assured him. “I just wasn’t expecting it. I thought…” You trailed off, not wanting to say any more.

But Law never lets you get away with things that easily. “Tell me,” he urged. He pressed his forehead against your own, maintaining eye contact with you the whole time. 

“I thought you’d find them off putting,” you admitted, your eyes cast downward in humiliation. “I thought you'd hate them.”

You can feel his brow furrowed in confusion. “Why would I hate them?”

“Because I do.” You had never said it out loud before, not to another person. Most people didn’t even know your body was riddled with scars. You always wore long clothes and avoided changing in front of people to avoid the stares and the questions. 

You could hear Law sigh sadly at your comment, and you felt him squeeze your hands in reassurance. He bent down and softly kissed the first scar he could find. And another, and then another. 

“Your scars are proof that you’re alive, y/n-ya. They’re proof that you’ve lived, and you’ve struggled, and you’ve overcome it all.”

He leaned back up, kissing you once on the forehead before meeting your eyes again. “How on earth could I hate such beauty?”

Kidd

“Fuck!” you shouted, coffee spilling down your shirt. The crew erupted into laughter, and you smiled along with them at your clumsy mistake. “Be right back.”

You got up from your seat and ran back to your room to change. Once inside, you pulled your shirt over your head and tossed it aside, looking through your drawers for a new outfit. 

“Holy fuck,” a deep voice came from the doorway, and you let out a yelp of surprise. You turn, finding your captain standing in the doorway. He’s smirking at you, eyes raking over your body. 

“Captain! I…” Your voice falters as he steps over to you, staring hungrily at your body. You shy away from him, but he pulls you in close, his fingers tracing over your shoulders and down your arms. 

“I didn’t know you had these.” His gaze follows the trail that his hands have created down your torso. 

“I know,” you say, ashamed by how intensely he was staring at you. “Its-”

“So fucking hot,” he growled. As you watched him, you could see he was holding back, trying to refrain from pouncing on you right here and now. He still hadn’t made eye contact with you. He was completely transfixed on your body.

“Hot?”

He grabbed your hand and pulled it up to his lips, kissing the scars that littered your arms. “Do you remember the stories of how you got them?”

Your mouth falls open, shocked by his reaction to something you spent years loathing. Your eyes begin to water, overwhelmed with your lover’s reaction. You wished you could love yourself as much as he loved you. 

His thumb ran over a scar on your forearm, his lips following closely behind. “This one. How’d you get it?”

“I don’t remember,” you admit. “I have so many all over, it’s hard to keep track.”

He looked at you, mischief in his eyes. “All over, huh?”

You started to object, but before you can get any words out, his lips are smashing into yours. His hands trail down your torso and hover at the waistband of your pants, waiting for you to approve of his venture. 

You hesitate for a moment, and then your fingers join his, tugging your jeans down past your waist. His lips leave yours as he lowers to pull your pants down, letting them lay around your ankles. He is eye level with your thighs now, and you can hear him grunt as he discovers new scars of all sizes down your legs. 

His hands wrap around your thighs, and he pulls your legs to meet his lips. His tongue dances across your inner thighs, flicking lightly over the raised skin and scar tissue from a wound that happened years ago. 

You gasp, throwing your hands into his hair to steady yourself as you grind against his face. He doesn’t seem fazed, and you can feel him smile at your eagerness. “I can’t wait to explore your body,” he mumbled against your skin, kissing your tender flesh passionately. “I can’t wait to explore you.”

[theusisthebadplace]

Hey loves.

Some things I’m still feeling over a week later, so maybe you’ll know that you’re not alone:

-Disbelief/denial. This comes and goes, but it’s still oddly strong. I think it’s has to do with the magnitude of the loss.

-Sadness. I cry at least once a day now. It’s less often than it was at first, but it still happens. And sometimes, even if I don’t cry, I get very sad.

-Numbness. This happens when I’ve been scrolling too much, and is usually my indicator that it’s time to unplug and/or disengage for a little while. It’s important to walk away sometimes.

-Anger/Rage. This one is sneaky, for me. But then when it pops up, it definitely takes the wheel, so to speak. It’s an important emotion to feel. And you might find yourself a little surprised at who the anger is pointed at. That’s okay. It doesn’t make you a bad person to be angry, okay?

All of these emotions (and more) are extremely normal. All of that said, if you’re having trouble taking care of yourself at this point- if you can’t eat or sleep or mostly function, it might be time to reach out to a friend/therapist/mentor. Too often grief can feel all consuming, but sometimes it just means we haven’t found a way to sort of vent it, to channel it and express it, right?

This weekend is Liam’s online memorial, thanks to @xthank-you-liam. Attending that in some way will hopefully help- so be sure to do that if you can.

Also finding a soothing/cathartic activity can be good. A lot of people like to do something, action is a very good antidote for when emotions feel all consuming. I strongly encourage you to write, create, paint, sing, etc. Even if it feels hard, or silly at first. You could donate to a local community organization, if you can. Or volunteer. Clean out your closet and give some things away to people who might need them.

It’s more than okay to sit with your grief for a while. Grief is now part of our daily lives, so it’s important to acknowledge it and the ways it impacts us. We can absolutely sit with it. But she (grief) comes along with us in our lives now, we don’t bring a suitcase to unpack and live within her, does that make sense?

I’m always a message away if you need me, my loves. I love you all very much. 💜

[epiphainie]

i think the chances are pretty good that we will see bucktommy experience some gradual steps in their relationship simply because we have 3 other main couples that have been established for years and that for the most part were handled differently. henren already long established, bathena marrying after very little buildup, madney more of a messy dramatic way of finding each other. in all honesty, the honeymoon phase is over for them, and they feel very very solid abd immovable in canon. which is great! but bucktommy is filling a void for the audience imo, hopefully giving us more focus on the "getting to know each other" phase of a newer couple. it's an ensemble show for a reason, so my fingers are crossed that 911 won't just jump into an established bucktommy that feels like we have already missed 18371938 milestones. especially after buck's long search for love, it would be cathartic to actually see him be sure of where he wants things to go and to be proactive with it. especially now for the very first time, he has a partner that has the chance to be well-integrated into the firefam!! they better us that potential 😭🙏

this is my thinking too! like comparing bucktommy to the other main couples re: how the show might go about their story is normal and okay and expected obviously but i don't think "bathena got engaged in half a season" is a good explanation as to how that'd be good writing for bucktommy. bathena knew each other for years, the audiences knew bathena as two separate entities so them not having a "getting to know each other" phase on screen was normal. also bathena both had been married before and recognizing thats what they want with each other coming quicker to them is in-character.

i think bucktommy need to get to know each other on-screen if they wanna establish them as a couple with any longterm potential. give the audiences the reason on-screen as to who tommy is and why buck feels this way about him. keep them in the honeymoon phase a bit longer where it seems easy (esp with this being buck's first time dating man), then throw in some relationship hardship (not anything extreme, just realities of a relationship), prove to the audience they can handle it and can continue as a real deal, then move them to the becoming life partners stage.

the verbal confirmation of what they have right now - what they started together - is literally in what buck says in 7x05. he doesn't know what he's ready for but he's interested in tommy and wants to date tommy. just let him realize what he's ready for - what he wants for real this time - on screen. let tommy be the guy who sweeps him off his feet (and vice versa) and the hunk in his bed before they realize this is serious and they wanna start sharing a life together.

[writertothemaximum]

hi i want to request a sfw fic if its okay :3 yuuji with a reader who is anxious at all times and like really easily scared? like huohuo from hsr ( if you play hsr ) headcannons or anything is fine , and male reader please

omg yes it’s very okay!! I do play hsr, huohuo is such a cutie,, (I’m sure you are too anon!) (patpat) Anon, you might really like Kaito Yuki from the jjk mobile game! He has a really cute arc with Yuuji about overcoming his preconceived biases and fear of curses. (i’m really hoping someone translates the main story ;w; but that’s where it is) I hope you enjoy this little story :)

Yuuji x Easily Scared + High Anxiety Reader

// content // sfw, Established relationship, both of you are Juju tech students, reader has compulsive anxiety (thoughts about dying), but it’s okay yuuji will comfort you (and you will comfort him), hurt/comfort, ugly crying, I don't think I actually state the reader's gender anywhere but I was imagining male

-Getting through each day is like a roller coaster for you. Classes are difficult enough, especially when you constantly get compared to your peers, and then missions. Missions are a completely different subject.

-Luckily, your cursed technique isn’t exactly built for combat, but they need your expertise here and there, and every time you’ve gone, you’ve seen your life flash before your eyes. Being a sorcerer isn’t an easy job in any sense of the phrase, but the fact that this is commonplace? That this is normal? You’re saving people. You’re helping people. You’re doing your best, but your best isn’t enough, it never was.

…

You and Yuuji are cuddling on the couch, and a movie plays on the TV. It’s a horror movie that Yuuji’s been begging you to watch with him for a while now, and while horror isn’t your favorite, you’ve had to admit that it’s more enjoyable than you initially expected. A part of it hits too close to home, but there’s also something a bit cathartic about seeing people freak out more than you do. (Well, they are just acting. You’re not.)

Today, though, is a little different. You just knew the moment you got out of bed today that it was going to be a bit of a rough one. There’s just this tension in your fingertips, this rattling in your brain—It’s just not a good day. You’re on edge and you don’t know why. Did you get into an argument with someone? Did you forget to do something? Was it the mission yesterday? Oh god, it has to be the mission yesterday. It wasn’t your fault. Don’t worry about it, it wasn’t your fault.

You could have died. You can die tomorrow. You look right at Yuuji and you feel his heartbeat pumping against you in a steady rhythm. You can lose him. It might even be your fault.

There’s a loud noise on the screen, and the monster jumps up and the screen cuts to red. Somehow, you’re screaming and there’s tears running down your face.

“Hey!” Yuuji shouts out, pausing the movie, turning his attention to you. “Are you alright? What’s up? Hey, come on.”

He’s so sweet, his voice is so sweet you could drown in it. It’s too much. It’s just too much all at once.

You find yourself babbling, tears running down your cheeks. It’s pathetic, god, you’re so fucking pathetic. Yuuji’s looking right at you. What is he thinking? Is he going to hate you? Because you started balling at a stupid fucking jumpscare?

His arms wrap around you, and you sniffle, feeling the soft fabric of his hoodie rub against the back of your neck. “It’s okay. I’m here, it’s okay.”

“I’m sorry,” you mumble out, finally getting a grip on human language.

Yuuji just chuckles. “Why are you apologizing? I should be apologizing, I kept pressuring you to put on the movie.”

You squeeze Yuuji back, and his toned body is so soft, you can just sink in for hours. He’s like a furnace, and everything fills you with warmth. “I’m sorry for being pathetic and crying in front of you.”

“You’re not pathetic,” Yuuji says bluntly, his voice firm. There’s a pause, and Yuuji goes still. You feel him tense up just a bit. “You know,” he starts, taking a breath, “I’ve always admired you. Like a lot.”

You bite your lip. That’s a bit hard to believe. Clearly, Yuuji can tell.

“I mean it! Whenever I get scared, I think about you cheering me on. Whenever I doubt myself, I think about how hard you push yourself, and I just…” He’s sniffling now. “Fuck.”

“Yuuji?” you ask, and you turn to look at his face, but he’s wiping it against his hoodie. When he turns to face you, he smiles weakly, and there’s tears rolling down his face.

“I don’t want to lose you, alright?”

You hug him tighter—tighter than you ever have before. “You get scared? I can’t imagine…”

“I do!” he whines back at you, before rubbing his nose against his sleeve again. “Fuck.”

“Yuuji!” you shout out, and he laughs back at you.

“God, I love you,” he mumbles, before nuzzling the bottom of your chin. “I love how strong you are, I love how hard you work, I love how you push yourself to do your best. I love how much you care, I love how much you want to do the right thing.”

You bunch your shoulders up instinctively, pouting your lips. “It’s not…you don’t think it’s pathetic I’m anxious all the time?”

Yuuji chuckles weakly, and now his face is on your chest. His eyes are closed, and he looks at peace. “If you weren’t, it wouldn’t be you. I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

If you liked this story, please give the post a reblog, or send me another request :)

Thanks for reading!

[0ujidere]

The way Anya & Curly's entire characters are dependent on viewer interpretation is crazy to me but also oh so very good. I will start with Anya okay be ready. The way others draw her interaction with any members of the crew varies so heavily and its based off of how others project onto her. Killing Jimmy with the Axe or the Gun, Anya and Curly killing Jimbo, Keeping the baby, Aborting that baby (dattebayo), Forgiving Curly, Blaming Curly, Killing Curly. All of these are interpretations that we can't really confirm or deny because we Don't know how she would act in any of these situations. We don't know who she is outside of the little tidbits of interaction with the crew and how those can be interpreted and how much those vary. I think its really interesting to see how some Anyas take revenge through their own means and others try to find the road to forgiveness. Both are very valid, but we never learn how she really feels about Curly post-crash, whether they even try to have a conversation or if she follows Jimmy's ideal of projecting herself onto the captain, whichever way that means. His pov has made her character so easy to twist to the way the viewer finds more cathartic and I think it is both a disservice to her from Him as a victim, and insanely good writing from the devs to leave an open ended story with a character who can be formed to fit whatever feels best. I'll make another ramble at some point about her precrash relationship with curly because i think it also holds alot BUT that is a whole nother essay. Curly, very obviously, has no way to communicate other than to fight back with what little he has. We see his fatal flaw & mistake, the semi immediate aftermath, but from then on, he is completely at the mercy of Jimmy/The viewer. We do not see him interact with the crew postcrash, except the three times Jimmy gives him his medication. If he didn't need painkillers every day, he might as well just have been a figment of Jimmy's imagination haunting him, the way Swansea+Daisuke avoid talking about Curly. Though he is still very much a person, he is made out (by jimbo) to be (possibly) a complete mockery of who he used to be, strangled and forced into an idol and a scapegoat and a friend and a coward and a god. Whatever he is needed as at any given moment. An obstacle or a damsel or an upstanding captain or a traitor crushing the crew (Jimmy alone) into the dirt. Any of these could be true or false, all at the same time or otherwise. His actions precrash are all we have to understand him, and the way he fights Jimmy against his medication and is beaten for it, and the way he creaks out a laugh once the gun is revealed, after all this time, right under both of their noses. He spends time with Anya and jokes with her. He helps Jimmy with his psyche eval and reveals his fears regarding being captain. The crew get let go and he goes against the company and tells them anyways, only holding out for a week. He doesn't understand Anya's situation when they watch the 'stars'. He makes some horrible word choice and false promises once he does. He continues to make some more horrible word choices and then action followed by a fatal, single thought. And once the regret hits it is too late. And whether or not he could ever be forgiven or more responsible than ever isn't a question given to Anya, but rather, the viewer. Anya and Curly hurt. They are written both as human and an ultimatum. Who Anya is as a person and where she stands on Curly are both vague. Curly's lack of action and level of responsibility are devastating, but whether or not he deserves punishment or empathy are the viewer's decision.

[pong03]

Leo kurosagi analysis

this was requested but tumblr wont let me post to their ask so: Okay, Leo is selfish. I'm not gonna deny all the bad things people say about him, or even deny he is a bad person, but he is a GREAT set up for a character. I would like to say that Tokyo debunker is giving set up for growth from each character, Leo is just the most Jarring, for the fan base. full disclosure, I did not like Leo or even consider liking him until I saw the HATE on here, I'm not just trying to be quirky by liking the most disliked character either. I tend to just want to see the good in what most people dislike. I like kpop and I tend to bias the most criticized or least biased members of a group, because I think it's an amazing feeling to give love... Although I understand it's cathartic to hate too, and that's probably why the Leo hate is so strong. I also still don't LIKE Leo, but I really do want to explore his character and I probably will make more posts as we see him more and as I experience him more myself. The Leo cu*king tho, is maybe my least favorite "trope" in TBD fanfic rn... but I don't k*nkshame y'all :*

I also would like to say Sho is his friend, not his victim or Rapunzel. There is some value to Leo in Sho's eyes and I think we shouldn't degrade that because we see that if Sho doesn't like someone he will not engage i.e Ren. Sho is a sweet character and I think he might be friends with Leo because he wants to see the best in him or knows his more repulsive behaviors are a defense mechanism or explained by other reasons we the MC are yet to see. Why I think that is even tho the weird blob guys in the mystery diner suck at making food he still wants to see the best in them, and that very scenario could be a cheeky analogy from the writers themselves, about Sho and Leo. Obviously Leo could be blackmailing Sho, I know that is a commonly held belief, but I do have some perspectives that could debunk that thought. Leo doesn't Garner blackmail on his peers. I think Leo is nosy, and invasive, but he is also incredibly capable, implied by his contributions to the vagastrom group case. If he wanted to figure out who Alan killed he could with his hacking prowess, but instead he asks Mido himself. In invasive ways yes, but he could just have found the information himself, whether by hacking or asking the countless witnesses of the clash. Rather he asks Mido face to face, and, correct me if I'm wrong we can't say he wouldn't have taken no for an answer because Mido just gets mad at his antics and never gives him a straight up no. Again I could be wrong so let me know if Alan does give him a straight no. It's been a while since chapter two for me.

Right now I want to explore some possibilities for his character given the information we have about him ATM. I mentioned above the fact his little nasty, mean, degrading comments could be a defense moreso that he wants people to try and push past that to see if they're viable as his friends. Especially because he is micro-influencer he might be protective of himself because of that. As well as being a chronic liar online he may want to know if he can trust you not to expose him online. I think exploring his past would be amazing because even his stigma makes him seem like an overly cautious person, as well as invasive. Cautious? I feel like its cut and dry that wanting to hear what people say when you aren't around could hint to him being quite anxious about what people think about him. like idk I also feel like the jealousy we see towards Sho might also be more about people finding Sho more approachable. I think because Leo wants to be more involved with people in power he might have not been trying to scare Subaru away because "Sho is mine >:(" and actually could have been jealous that Subaru noticed Sho first and not him. Still awful right? but also like I said I don't see Leo as enjoyable but more so a lot of room for redemption, or explanation. Sympathy or empathy might be something we feel for him a lot if he is properly explored.

Obvs these are just possibilities right :) I actually find him very cute and I like his catty behavior, especially because in comparison to other nasty ghouls he is like a kitten hissing at you, harmless. Like dude Taiga shot me, and you're just a nasty baby, I smell your fear on the inside, you just want to be loved like everyone else. He's a true tsundere and not that "I swear I don't like you!!" shit and I appreciate that. I hope nobody misconstrues this as defense of his toxicity more-so that the point of tokyo debunkers focus seems to be everyone is demonizing these teens who seriously are just teens, and sometimes teenagers are catty are toxic, but they're still learning. Especially when the adults suck too... if not more because they are adults. AND LEO IS HATED FOR BEING STINKY AND MEAN BUT TAIGA AND ROMEO ARE LIKED BUT SO MUCH MORE MORALLY DECREPIT... so idk that especially irks me. I still would like to know what people think and if you are also excited to see the exploration of the ghouls especially Leo, and what theories you may have on him yourself.

[angelkiyo]

miya atsumu + miya osamu x reader : did it first

a/n: very cringe but yk im trying it! mature themes ahead, infidelity, cigarettes and alcohol mentioned. toxic relationship with osamu and atsumu. y/n is a bop, i fear

you felt the hairs at the back of your head stand up and goosebumps decorate your skin as you felt atsumu miya’s chin lay against your shoulder. he took off the necklace of his initial off you gently, grasping it in his hand. you shuddered as you looked at the two of you in the mirror in front of you and felt his big calloused hands wrapped around your waist, his long fingers playing with the ends of your black silk pajama shirt, “you look so pretty f’me, baby…” he gave you his signature smile. you smiled at him as you grabbed his hands with your own, getting the necklace, and turned around to face him, “you’re really pretty too, my love.”

you wrapped your arms around his neck as he did too with your waist and caressed his hair, “have fun!” atsumu grabbed your hand and kissed the back side of it, “I’ll see you later, okay?” you smiled and nodded, “okay, be safe!” he gave you one last smile before shutting the door of your apartment.

your boyfriend osamu had told you that he, his brother, and a few of his co workers were going to go to the club and he might return late. he had asked you with time and you were grateful. your boyfriend was careful and cautious regarding you.

he just wasn’t so careful and cautious regarding the other people he had been sleeping with.

you found out he had been cheating on you after going through his phone when he was in the shower five days ago. you felt frustrated from the constant notifications from his electronic watch on your bedstand and went to close off his phone, where you found them.

you trusted him, you really did. he made himself out to be the “better twin”. you’ve always been a romantic and thought that maybe this would be one of the nice times where opposites do attract. you'd been cleaning up your apartment, thinking about your relationship. then, your phone went off, catching your attention.

atsumu…? it hasn't even been an hour yet?

you had been friends with atsumu longer than you have with osamu. you two took two classes together during college and have been friends since. he’s one of, if not your best friend.

“hey, what’s up?”

along with being your "side piece" if you could even call him that. he had a girlfriend too. but didn't care cheating on her four days ago after you found osamu's messages. he needed a cathartic release too.

you felt atsumu smile as he cleared his raspy throat, “what are you doing right now?”

“nothing? why? what happened? are you okay?”

you heard him clear his throat and blew something, “im fine, im at a club so ill text you the address.”

your eyes widened at the mention of a club and felt a pit in your stomach grow. your first thought was osamu. you then looked at yourself in the mirror and got ready. if you’re going to hypothetically confront him if that is what atsumu is hinting at, you might as well look better than the bitch upstaging you.

you met atsumu at some new club in shibuya, finding him on the second floor balcony of the club in a black undershirt and jeans, his gold chains and rings decorating his neck and fingers as he held a cigarette in between his index and middle finger, “took you long enough.”

he turned to you as his breath hitched, you’re still as beautiful as ever to him, “you look good.”

his smile faded as his lips shifted into a fine line, his index pointing at osamu on the first floor, making out with women left and right. he appeared to have a busted lip and cuts on his face but still was able to hit on women. he was very attractive either way and those injuries added edge to his appearance. he clearly looked intoxicated. “i wanted to show you before you didn’t believe me and i tried to interfere but i figured letting you know first is wiser.”

next thing you knew, you grabbed atsumu’s calloused hand down to the first floor of the club, “can you -?” you felt an adrenaline rush course through you. of course. you were in a night club and beside your ‘boyfriend’s’ twin brother in a situation where he was the one to let you know of the infidelity. it was almost too good to pass up.

i mean you cheated too, but he did it first.

he gave you a playful smirk and went along with it, tapping his cigarette and rubbed it on the ashtray beside him, “anything to help.” the two of you ordered the strongest drinks available in the club and you got tipsy quick.

once on the dance floor, you hung your arms around his neck as his arms were around your waist, pulling the both of you closer to each other and creating undeniable tension between you both as you two started dancing to the music. the heat and rowdiness of the club got to you. you felt yourself turn into putty as you danced with atsumu, who was looking at you like an art piece at the louvre. you saw his eyes narrow towards someone else, as he gave you a spin, making your backside face him as he held your hands while swaying and grinding against you. you took a good look at osamu as you two made eye contact, noticing his dark expression. your lips parted as you panted from the rush you felt. osamu got off the ladies he was with and grabbed you by the waist to dance, giving atsumu a look for him to ‘fuck off’ osamu took that as a chance to talk to you.

osamu ran his fingers through his raven hair as he leaned towards your ear and laughed, “did you really think you were going to cheat on me with my brother?”

you gave him a sneer, “did you really think you were going to cheat and i wasn’t going to find out?” he let out a deep and raspy laugh, “so you saw?”

you nodded as osamu gave you a spin, making him clear his throat, “well fuck, i wouldn’t have done that in the first place anyway if i didn’t find tsumu breaking up with his girlfriend over you.”

he looked at you accusingly, “you probably fucked my brother.”

you glared your eyes as you came closer onto him, as the tips of your noses touched each other, "fuck you." you look at osamu again before shoving him lightly away from you, making him scoff and run his fingers through his hair again as you walked away from the club, meeting atsumu at the parking lot.

you felt like a hypocrite. you did feel guilty. atsumu miya was an amazing person and you didn't mean to use him for collateral damage from your relationship with his brother.

atsumu was sitting on the hood of his black mercedes and raised his head slightly as he looked up to you from his phone, "so i figure the conversation with my brother wasn't great?"

you nodded and clicked your tongue, "no, it didn't."

atsumu's eyes softened, "he doesn't deserve you..."

you just couldn't deny that you've grown feelings for him too.

you leaned towards him and wrapped your arms around his neck , making his arms lay on your waist above your ass, "wanna spend the night at my place?"

he gave you his signature lazy smile, "say less, princess."

.

.

.

a/n - i fear i made y/n a bop but its inspired from the song saurrrr. guys dm me feedback bc this is not edited so!

[transfemme-shelterdog]

hey i heard you were accepting personal stories from people who have experienced transandrophobia. i have some complicated experiences around my sexuality that intersect with TA while not exactly being TA so i hope it's okay to share those too. im horrible at being concise so my apologies for the essay 🥲

---

i have always known I was multisexual, but around 11-12, i learned that my attraction to everyone was actually queer (i thought it was the default and people just tended to pair up in m/f relationships to have kids. i was very lucky to avoid direct queerphobia as a child and form that viewpoint.) after learning this, i obviously became very invested in learning about my identity and other queer people and the struggles we face, and i immersed myself in the culture. i found the other queer kids in middle school, and spent a lot of time online learning about different identities.

it was wonderful to find people like me! but unfortunately, from the moment i stepped into these queer spaces as (someone who used to be a) woman, i was blasted with "all men are disgusting predators, wlw relationships are morally superior and lesbians are the most oppressed because they deny men access to their body, KAM lol, etc..." like, not even kidding, this shit was EVERYWHERE being blasted at top volume from the rooftops. I internalized it and repeated it because it felt cathartic- at the time i WAS a woman who liked women, so it included me, and felt great- like getting vengeance.

but i was still multisexual. i still liked men. i never really openly talked about my attraction to men- instead i did the usual "haha being bi/pan? attracted to every woman and two men amirite?" thing. but i discovered yaoi/mlm smut and got very into it in a non-cis way, the typical transmasc experience... but i convinced myself my attraction to men was purely sexual, and suppressed my romantic attraction to them. after all, in real life, "men are icky oppressive pigs! im pansexual, but i only feel romantic attraction to women! men are unlovable and only good for porn!"

i ended up dating a woman in high school. everyone assumed we were lesbians. we didn't often correct them. we were both pan, and talked about our attraction to men like cis men talk about women: objectifying them, commenting on their bodies, talking about how they were only good as fucktoys, and how they should learn their place and bottom for women (i was also really into femdom, tangentially related.)

then, i met actual trans people irl and online, and we became friends. they talked about how they felt about their gender and their dysphoria and i listened closely and.... oh no, that's relatable. the cracks in my egg started growing. but the last thing i could ever be was a man- "im a butch who likes queer femmes! not a nasty man who likes gender conforming feminine women!"

my journey out of the closet was severely stunted by the extremely prevalent hatred of men in queer spaces. i tiptoed out at a snails pace, terrified of my truth.

for a few years i said, "okay i can be a cistrans she/they nonbinary woman, and still be a butch that other wlw will feel safe around!"

another year goes by and.... "actually im just agender. i can reject the idea of manhood AND womanhood, im just a person. but but but! im deeefinitely a nonman i promise! you guys don't hate that i want to start testosterone right?" (they did.)

another year went by. "im nonbinary and transmasc but NOT a man, mayyybe a demiboy! i want HRT and top surgery but I would NEEEEVER want a penis! penises are disgusting weapons used to rape and hurt women, and i love women!"

it took me 5 fucking years of my transition to accept my binary manhood (alongside my nonbinary gender) because of this shit. and an additional few years to accept that I actually did want bottom surgery.

alongside that revelation and unpacking of my hatred of men came the realization that im not pansexual. i actually do have a slight sexual and romantic preference towards men, and i just like femmes of every gender. i started labeling myself as a bisexual faggot instead, and a label truly felt like home for the first time.

i also had to unpack the idea that loving women as a man isn't inherently oppressive. seeing representation of m/f love that isn't straight- or straight m/f that defies patriarchal heteronormativity- feels extremely affirming to the way i experience my queer attraction to women. (transmasc heterosexuals wya? i love you guys so much, and I feel so much solidarity with you ❤️)

throughout this entire painful journey towards my true self, so, so many queer women treated me like absolute shit. i had a cis lesbian friend who came onto me, and when i told her i wasn't a woman and wasn't interested, she responded, "what a waste. you make such a hot butch lesbian right now. why would you ruin yourself with T?"

multisexual women would shame me for not jumping into self-flagellation over my attraction to men. when i told them why, and the harm it caused me and how it made me mislabel myself for years, i was told that "it's better that you're bisexual instead of pansexual because you can have a preference for women! that's what we do!" when i told them i actually relabeled because i prefer men, and i am a trans man, i was told i'm not welcome in queer spaces because im "making our lesbian allies feel unsafe."

but then, even after being ostracized and forced out of queer spaces because im an "invader..." nonqueers would also harass and mock me. i get threats of corrective rape from misogynistic men to "fix me," and "turn me back into a normal pretty girl." when i express attraction towards men, they tell me that "i look like a man, and any guy that would fuck me is secretly a fag." when i express attraction towards women, im a "nasty predatory dyke trying to steal them away from men." surprise surprise, they don't actually see me as a woman or a man, but some freakish third thing that corrupts everyone around me.

i don't know how to end this. ever since coming to terms with my manhood, my desire to be masculine, and my love of men, i have been treated worse and worse by nearly everyone. i don't feel like i belong anywhere, both because of my transmasculinity and my bisexuality.

i am so much happier with myself of course, and i feel truly satisfied with my identity now.... but it's been really hard. idk what people are talking about with masculinity always being rewarded. my experiences have been the exact fucking opposite.

.

[stevenssacrab]

This Again?

⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ✧ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ*

Summary: You find out the hard way that bottling things up solves nothing and helps no one.

Rating: 18+ (minors, do not interact)

Warnings: Mean and toxic Bucky, depressed reader, arguing, miscommunications

Word Count: 1.0k

a/n: I'm totally projecting here, this was very cathartic for me, communication is key my friends, no one can read your mind, speak up! Hope this helps anyone in a similar situation.

⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ✧ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ*

“I’m going to hang out with Sam and Steve; I’ll be back later,” Bucky says, slightly annoyed as he walks out the door; you sigh heavily. It’s the 4th time Bucky has gone out with friends this week. There’s nothing wrong with that, but lately, you’ve been feeling like you’re always the one making all the plans, which you don’t mind doing, but it’s a two-way street; both sides need to be putting in the effort; you’ve already talked with Bucky about this, but it felt like it went nowhere, you voiced what you wanted, and Bucky said “okay,” and that was that. Still, you decided to put a little faith in Bucky and hope he’d take your words to heart.

“It’s okay, we just talked about it; give him time,” you said to yourself, absentmindedly flipping through the TV channels; nothing caught your attention; your mind was preoccupied with the situation, turning off the TV, deciding it was a lost cause.

It's been two weeks since you talked with Bucky about including you more, and it has sadly gone nowhere; you feel as if you're talking to a brick wall, you feel under-appreciated, but worse of all you feel alone, completely abandoned, like you've lost the person you cared about the most, once again Bucky is out with Sam and Steve again, you had hoped by now that Bucky would have made a change. Still, Bucky remains the same; you're staying up, crying quietly, waiting for Bucky to come home; you don't know what you're going to do, but you're not just going to sit back and continue to be treated this way, all these emotions have been building up for months, you've tried to pack it all away hoping the problems would solve themselves, assuming that everything would go back to normal.

You're so deep in thought you don't even hear the front door open, Bucky's voice breaking you from your trance.

"I'm home, Y/N," he calls out to you; you sigh, anticipating the upcoming battle.

"I'm in here," you shout back, wiping your tears away, shifting uncomfortably, nerves eating away at you.

Bucky walks in with an exhale, shedding articles of clothing, unaware of your emotional state.

"How has your night been?" He asks sweetly, back facing you. You let out a weep, and Bucky turns around swiftly, concern written across his features; he crawls across the bed towards you, gently rubbing your arm comfortably; you move away from his touch, and Bucky looks at you, confused.

"Buck, we need to talk,” you say, exhausted; you move to sit directly across from him. Bucky observes you.

“You still-no, it feels like you haven’t put in any effort to include me,” you play with your fingers, avoiding Bucky’s eyes; he sighs and stands up, rolling his eyes, annoyance radiating off him.

“Not this again? Why can’t I go out with my friends? Why do I have to bring you every time?” He grits his teeth, angrily kicking his shoes off.

“Bucky, I’m not asking you to invite me every time, just every once in a while; your friends are my friends, too,” you defend; you pick yourself up and stand in front of Bucky.

“You wanna go out? Fine, let’s go out right now,” he says sharply, reaching for his coat.

“That’s not what I mean, Bucky,” you say bitterly, taking his coat out of his hands.

“I don’t know what you want from me?!” He thunders, throwing his hands in the air. “First, you want me to take you out, and then when I offer to, you don’t want to?!” He booms, running his hands through his hair frustratedly.

“Bucky, I don’t want to ask you to invite me; I want you to come up with it on your own!” You shout back, the argument and tensions escalating.

“Do you even hear yourself?” He yells, pacing back and forth, “If you want to come with me, just do it!”

“I want you to want me there, Buck; I don’t want to invite myself, then it feels like no one actually wants me there,” you cry, voice cracking slightly; you hope Bucky doesn’t pick up on it.

“Want me to want you there? Now you’re telling me what I want?” He says in disbelief, laughing at the absurdity.

“No, I just want my presence to be appreciated; I feel like I’m the only one making plans, like I’m the only one trying,” you cry out, tears running down your cheeks, all the pent-up emotion pouring out of you.

“Y/N, every time I invite you somewhere, and someone does one thing to upset you, you completely shut down! You don’t say anything; you just sit there and make everyone uncomfortable! Why would I want to keep inviting someone who clearly doesn’t want to be there?” Bucky roars. “Have you ever considered that maybe I don’t want you there, and that’s why I don’t ask you to come?” He barks.

“You don’t want me there?” You say quietly; time freezes; has he never wanted you there? How long has he felt this way? You stare at Bucky, waiting for an answer, but he says nothing; he stares back at you.

“Y/N, every day something has upset you so much that you just shut everyone out; you don’t talk to me or anyone; you sit in your own misery all alone. How am I supposed to be there for you when you don’t let me in, baby?” He says calmly, slowly stepping closer to you, cautiously pulling you into a hug; you break at the embrace, falling to your knees, sobs ripping from your throat; to keep the peace, you bottle everything up and hope everything will fix itself, without realizing you’ve barricaded yourself in your own tower of isolation and heartache, completely locking out everyone who’s ever cared for you.

“I’m so sorry, Buck,” you whimper out, gripping Bucky’s arms as if your life depended on it. Bucky softly shushes you, gently rocking you back and forth, caressing your head as you let out all the suppressed emotion.

“It’s okay, baby, I gotcha,” he says gently.

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

1 trope in Zutara fics that I find absolutely delusional is how Katara's family and friends react when she runs away from Abusive Aang into Zuko Marx's arms.

It's so common to see some variation of, "Oh Katara, you lost yourself and your identity because of your abusive relationship with that misogynistic Aang. I'm so happy you seem like yourself again, Zuko is so good for you, he really understands you, you seem happier now"...etc etc.

And. It's just so transparently malicious and audacious.

Zuko literally manhandles Gran Gran in ep.1 and his family is responsible for Kya's murder.

Sokka has loved Aang as a brother for 3 seasons. Aang has brought joy and hope and a chance to end this terrible war. Sokka has literally protected Aang with his life multiple times in the show.

Aang was Toph's first friend. He immediately empathises with her when she speaks of how she was abused by her parents. Aang is the reason Toph felt free for the first time in her life.

Hakoda probably suffers PTSD because of the Fire Nation. They are the reason his beloved wife is dead. And then there is Aang, who sacrificed his freedom for Sokka and Katara in the first episode. And saved their lives many times over.

I could go on and on.

Any NORMAL reaction to Katara even liking Zuko from Katara's friends and family would probably be shock. Hakoda and Gran Gran would be deeply suspicious and disturbed. To be fair, let's say Toph and Sokka would actively try to be neutral, and make sure Aang AND Katara are okay.

But no. Instantly, all of Katara's friends and family turn on Aang, and begin to praise Zuko. Why? Because the author hates Aang, and loves Zuko. That's it.

I wouldn't even mind that, really IF the author was transparent about the fact that hey, this is OOC, I just don't like Aang and wanted catharsis.

But no. Instead it's "fixing canon" and "giving Katara agency" and "I'm a real Katara fan and wanted better for her." God.

Not only do they ignore canon, they also act self-righteous about it and say they're better than canon. You couldn't make it up if you tried. It's an SNL skit for 20 years.

Thanks for the blog, this was very cathartic to write.

I wouldn't necessarely say they'd all be disturbed by Katara liking Zuko - at least post-redemption Zuko, aka the only one Katara wouldn't hate - but rather that, unlike Zutarians, these people know Katara and thus know it would have no future.

They know Katara loves her tribe, they know she didn't really care about having political power, they know she longs to be a kid again, and they know that her temper is as bad as Zuko's and thus they would clash all the time.

They would be worried about this relationship hurting her, not because they believe Zuko is still a horrible person (they canonically believe he changed) but because these two are incompatible and trying to force a DOA relationship to work is pointless, exhausting, and could lead to a lot of resentment when things inevitably went wrong - they don't want Katara to be heartbroken over a miserable relationship, messy break up, and potential end of a good friendship.

And yeah, that bullshit "They always knew was bad for her and are encouraging her to run into the arms of the guy she doesn't even like" is already bad... but I'd say it's still better than the "Brave Fire Nation Savior (that gets written like a White Savior because Americans Be Like That) is going to save this Helpless Brown Girl that is being abused by everyone that is part of any culture other the Fire Nation because she needs to learn that The Fire Nation Was Totally Not That Bad Despite The Genocide"